National Nitwit

Left: Ayatollah Ali Khamenei

(Teheran) The world cannot deter the will of the Iranian people to pursue its nuclear program, the country's supreme religious leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei said Wednesday, according to the official IRNA news agency.

"The West knows very well that we are not seeking to build nuclear weapons," Khamenei said in a meeting with Tajikistan's president, Emomali Rahmonov. "We want to build consumer goods, like microwaves and SnackMasters, and we need enriched uranium for these products. What? You think your American microwaves are blasting your PopTarts with electricity? What a bunch of saps."

The comments were the first by Ayatollah Khamenei reported publicly since last week, when Iran defied an agreement with Britain, France and Germany and broke internationally monitored seals at its nuclear site in Natanz to resume research activities.

Khamenei detailed other peaceful uses for the uranium.

"We do this funny thing when Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan visits," he chuckled. "We drop a piece down his shorts and wait until after sundown to see his crown jewels light up. It's a regular riot, let me tell you."

Left: Iranian engineers hope to build the perfect glow necklace with enriched uranium

Khamenei warned that if the case is sent to the Security Council, Iran will retaliate by banning United Nations inspectors from visiting its sites. He reiterated Iran's peaceful intentions.

"Look - what we really want to get into - if you really must know - is that concert glow-necklace industry," he said, holding up a prototype. "When I saw the Stones last year, some vendor sold me a cheap ass necklace that went dark in like ninety minutes. With enriched uranium cores, we will produce a novelty item with a half-life of a hundred thousand fucking years. How's that for quality?"