National Nitwit

Laura Bush: Diplomat, Activist, Sex Fiend

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Washington, D.C.)—In a stunning revelation, a source close to the White House has disclosed that the NSA’s domestic eavesdropping program is actually an effort to stem Laura Bush’s addiction to sex hotlines, which has cost American taxpayers a projected $1.2 million dollars since 2000.

The source—who spoke to the National Nitwit only with an assurance of complete anonymity—said that Mrs. Bush’s sexual appetite has become a serious risk to national security.

“This whole wiretapping debate is a complete red herring,” the source revealed. “Mrs. Bush can’t get enough of the 900 numbers—Sultry Co-eds, Late-Nite Fuck-Chat, Chicks With Dicks—personally, I think she needs therapy.”

And while a thorough investigation is still underway, the Associated Press is now reporting that the government’s stated objective to intercept Al Qaeda correspondence has yielded minimal leads in the War on Terror.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan strongly denied the allegations against Mrs. Bush as “wanton partisan hype” in a news conference held yesterday morning.

“This recent slander is an atrocious personal affront to the President and his family,” McClellan rebuffed. “And let me assure the American people one thing: we are not burning Mrs. Bush’s phone records in an oil barrel hidden in a bunker beneath Camp David. Next question.”