National Nitwit

(Moscow) Russian President Vladimir Putin addressed reporters yesterday regarding controversial gas problems.

"We think that much of the gut bomb problem is Russian borscht," he said. "That cabbage soup is very highfiber, and it can really create some noxious fumes."

Since Europe still has no alternative to Russia's gas, it must learn to live with Russia's peculiar habits as a political and commercial partner.

"Look - we can really get the flatulence going," said Putin, lifting a leg to blast a backdoor trumpet. "Europe is just going to have to deal with the fact that Russian gas is not going away."

Environmentalists, however, argue that it is more important to control rectal turbulence at its source than to address it after the fact.

“If the UK is serious about Russian gas we should start eradicating cabbage,” said Greenpeace’s chief scientific adviser, Dr Douglas Parr. "My guess is that many Europeans secretly love the smell of Russian ass thunder."

Putin remained dedicated to getting Europeans to accommodate the national pasttime.

"Butt yodeling is part of the Russian national psyche," he said, ripping off another crop duster. "The rest of Europe has got to deal with the fact that no one can make methane like we can."