1/13/2006
Reader to Pilgrim: “Should I Marry a Widow?”
A National Nitwit Special Feature with Billy Pilgrim, Rogue Editor
(Undisclosed Location)—Though Subcomandante Bob and I receive thousands of letters a week here at the National Nitwit headquarters, we rarely have time to respond due to the hectic pace of journalism. However, I would like to make a special exception and offer a public response to a moving and heartfelt missive from a confused reader.
Dear Subcomandante and Mr. Pilgrim:
Last year I fell in love with a co-worker after several months of dating, and our relationship has grown quite serious. She has dropped several hints lately that she would welcome an engagement ring, but much to my discomfort, she is a widow, having lost her husband in the invasion of Iraq, early 2003. What should I do?
Yours,
Lost in Louisville
Dear Lost:
I totally understand your misgivings. Clearly you love this woman, but the prospect of getting some dead guy’s sloppy seconds is quite unappealing. By the way, was he a Marine? I hear Marines get really dirty in the sack. She may be used to having maple syrup poured on her naughty bits. But I digress.
You need to follow your heart. More importantly, you need to find a picture of this chick’s mother, because that is a close approximation of what she’ll look like in 30 years. If she has flabby ta-ta’s and a tank ass, I’d bail and move to Oregon.
If the mom is smokin’, you have a serious problem on your hands. The way I used to deal with my problems was to put some Asian porno in the ol’ Beta-Max, drink about 19 lagers, and wake up around 3 p.m. to pick the broken shards of an ashtray out of my feet. I don’t recommend that route. Thanks to rehab, I now meditate to resolve personal issues, which is much healthier. And cheaper. Since December, I’ve only lost two toes to loan sharks. That, my friend, is progress.
Ultimately, you need to ask yourself one critical question: can you live with a ghost watching you pee every morning? If the answer is yes—then sir, you are a far better man than I.
Collegially,
Billy Pilgrim
# posted by Subcomandante Bob : 6:48 AM
