National Nitwit

(Washington, DC) Televangelist Pat Robertson, fresh from pronouncing a divine source for the stroke suffered by Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, announced that God has delivered yet another smiting.

Robertson said that a canker sore in the mouth of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the Jordanian-born head of Al-Qaeda in Iraq, was "God's wrath made manifest."

"Zarqawi has been the mouthpiece of the infidels," said Robertson. "It is only fitting that God should smite him with yet another mighty act."

Sources close to Zarqawi acknolwedged the oral occurrence, and said that the al-Qaeda leader was "resting comfortably and making judicious use of Anbesol."

Robertson said that God will not stop with mouth ailments in dealing with Zarqawi.

"This Saracen can expect hangnails, bunions, and even hemorrhoids as God works his Divine Plan," he said. "Woe unto him who stands in the way of the Lord. I'll just bet God would even give the prick a nasty case of athlete's foot too. Let's see that punk walk throught the fucking desert with foot itch. Ha!"

The 700 Club host said that God is busy seeking out all manner of "pagans and sodomites" for whom smiting is in the immediate future.

"He told me in a vision last night that Michael Moore is going to have a bad run with Irritable Bowel Syndrome, otherwise knoewn as IBS," said Robertson. "And you can be sure that He is looking very closely at that brazen young hussy Lindsay Lohan, too."