National Nitwit

(Washington, DC) Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito carefully navigates his way through Senate confirmation hearings, as Democratic senators brought forth documents they believe may derail his candidacy.

"Americans have no better answers than they did at the outset of the hearings," said Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass. "I am therefore introducing this document, which we will label PS-10. This is a 1959 note from Alito to a Sandy Habercamp in Miss Harper's class."

Kennedy waved the note for dramatic effect.

"I shall quote from it: 'Dear Sandy - do you like me? Miss Harper is a witch!'" said Kennedy. "These I believe to be code words for 'I am against Roe v. Wade.'"

Other senators quickly jumped into the fray.

" His responses to the PS-10 document are vague, inconsistent, and at times, contradictory testimony to what his record shows," added Sen. Patrick Leahy of Vermont, the committee's ranking Democrat. "Clearly this note shows that Alito considers women to be objects for entertainment, and his derisive comments toward Miss Harper suggest a latent misogyny."

Sen. Russ Feingold pressed Alito on whether he actually wrote that Miss Harper was a witch.

"So you don't recall whether you wrote that or not?" Feingold asked. "How convenient; let me refresh your memory, sir. The note also says that Jimmy Powell eats boogers and wipes them on the pages of the science book. I suppose you have no recollection of that, either?"

Continuing before Alito could respond, Feingold argued that the note sheds ominous light on Alito's views.

"This subversive spying on a classmate clearly indicates that Mr. Alito agrees with President Bush decision to order wiretaps without warrants as part of the so-called war on terror," said Feingold. "As such, I urge all liberty-minded senators to cast a "No" vote on Mr. Alito's nomination."