National Nitwit

(Toledo, OH) Subcomandante Bob, editor of the e-zines Codependent Collegian, Toledo Tales, and National Nitwit, received an email notice that he won $1,000,000 in a "Microsoft Lottery" today.

"I am so excited!" shouted an inebriated Subcomandante Bob. "Imagine me - a homeless waif in the middle of the Rust Belt - winning something like this!"

Bob plans to spend the money on "a new convertible, two cases of Stolichnaya, and whatever happens after these two factors come together."

Here is the text of the confirmation letter:

FROM: THE LOTTERY COORDINATOR,
MICROSOFT EMAIL LOTTERY INTERNATIONAL
INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS/PRIZE AWARD DEPARTMENT
Microsoft B.V. Boeing
Avenue 44 9459 PE Schiphol-Rijk.

REFERENCE NUMBER: LSLUK/2031/8161/04
BATCH NUMBER: 14/011/IPD

RESULTS FOR CATEGORY "A" DRAWS
Congratulations to you as we bring to your notice,the results of the
First Category draws of MICROSOFT LOTTERY INT.
We are happy to inform
you that you have emerged a winner under the First Category, which is
part of our promotional draws held on 5th december 2005. Participants
were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from 2,500,000
email addresses of individuals and companies from Africa, America,
Asia, Australia,Europe, Middle East, and Oceania as part of
ourInternational Promotions Program.

Your e-mail address, attached to
ticket number 50941465206-529, with serial number 5772-54 drew the
lucky numbers 3-4-17-28-35-44 and consequently won in the First
Category.
You have therefore been awarded a lump sum pay out of
1,000,000.00 (One million United State dollars), which is the winning
payout for Category A winners. This is from the total prize money from
2,000,000 shared among the 2 winners in this category CONGRATULATIONS!
Your fund is now deposited with the paying Bank.

A few of the requirements to claim the prize could be problematic, though.

"They want a bank account number, which is kind of an issue for me," he said. "My pal Nick is usually who I consult on banking matters, and he doesn't exactly use account numbers, if you know what I mean."

Here is the text of Bob's reply letter:

I am so excited! I never win ANYTHING!

Here is my information:


MICROSOFT LOTTERY

CLAIM OFFICE
32 Palmstraat, 1015 AE Amsterdam,
The Netherlands.
Tel.:+31-633 785 383. FAX.+31-847 506 277.
CLAIM/ VERIFICATION APPRAISAL FORM No: PLI/02/-638
Your application for the claim of your lottery winning prize will be duly processed for settlement and swift credit be made upon the verification and certification approval. Hence, carefully fill out the attached form appropriately in the column provided below to facilitate our immediate commencement of your claim processing.


FULL NAME OF BENEFICIARY: Subcomandante Bob (my last name is an unpronounceable sound)
ADDRESS: Cherry Street Mission for the Homeless
CITY/STATE: Toledo, OH
COUNTRY: USA
ZIP CODE: 43624
NATIONALITY: USA! USA! USA!
SEX: Male (most days - get me liquored up, though, and anything can happen, fella)
MARITAL STATUS: Divorced (it's a long story, but it involves guns and hamsters)
E-mail: codependentcollegian@yahoo.com
OCCUPATION: editor, panhandler
PRIVATE TEL: Still working on getting one

FAX: Hey - if I ain't got a phone, what makes you fuckers think I have a fax?
DATE OF BIRTH: May 5, 1974
NEXT OF KIN: none that I know of, heh heh.

Bob will keep you apprised of his success in claiming his money in upcoming posts. If you don't see where this is going, check out Ebola Monkey Man for an idea.