National Nitwit

(Washington, DC) In his State of the Union address President Bush announced a goal Tuesday night of reducing dependence on Middle East oil by 75 percent before 2025, and he believes he has a novel plan.

"America is addicted to oil, which is often imported from unstable parts of the world," Bush said. "The best way to break this addiction is through the harvesting of those greasy illegal aliens."

Rising gasoline prices are a critical element in Bush's falling poll numbers. Oil prices are approaching record levels, while illegal immigration continues to plague the nation, said the President.

"By issuing shoot-to-kill orders to immigration agents and Minutemen, we will be able to tap into the true potential of illegal immigrants," he said, pointing to a chart behind Vice President Dick Cheney. "One pound of human flesh has about 3500 calories, so the average 150-pound Mexican represents bout a half million calories. That's about 2100 BTUs, which is enough to heat your house for about two days, if the kids don't leave the front door open."

Despite the silence from seated congressional Democrats, Bush continued.

"With the ten million or so illegals in this country, we could light up the entire US interstate system for 312 years, " he said. "It's time that we tapped into alternative energy sources to break the cycle of energy addiction, while getting rid of those illegal aliens."

Virginia governor Tim Kaine, speaking for the Democrats, criticized the plan.

"The President's plan is not a better way," he said. "At best, the greaseballs would give us about 5 years' worth of oil, and after the bastards figure out that they are getting turned into vats of oil, that oil source will dry right up. What then Mr. President?"