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Cheney's Pet Cockatiel Admits: "I Fear For My Life"

(Washington, DC) "Chippy," a longtime companion of Vice President and Mrs. Dick Cheney, spoke to reporters yesterday about what he called "justifiable paranoia" after the Texas shooting incident involving lawyer Harry Whittington.

"To tell you the truth, I am scared shitless," he said from his perch. "I never really trusted that man; to find out what he's been doing to other birds - it's pretty freaky."

Chippy said that the Vice President has always seemed resentful of the attention that Mrs. Cheney dotes on him.

"He likes to sneak up behind me when I'm dozing and make cat noises," he said, pausing to eat some safflower seeds. "Listen - that's just ignorant."

One of the worst things about being around the Vice President, said Chippy, has been his fascination with guns.

"The asshole is constantly pointing his finger at me like a pistol and going: 'CLICK,'" said the six-year old cockatiel, whistling the first six notes of "Gunsmoke". "Yeah, I know it's not real, but that kinda crap can really mess with your head."

poor bird.

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