By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor
Spy Gnomes: See No Evil, Hear No Evil?
(Washington, DC) In a stilted and defensive manner, Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales denied allegations earlier today that the NSA has conducted a secret surveillance program using beard gnomes to track correspondence between suspected terrorists both domestically and abroad.
Gonzales’ rhetoric met with stern skepticism on the Senate floor, however, where both Democrats and Republicans were quick to rebuke the Bush Administration’s recent ambiguity on national security issues.
“Mr. Attorney General, the American people need the truth,” boomed Senator Harry Reid of Nevada. “Do you have any knowledge of a covert program that puts tiny gnomes in the stinky beards of potentially-innocent Muslims?”
Gonzales, unflappable, defended his ignorance with calculated precision.
“Mr. Senator, I tell you in good faith that I know of no such program,” Gonzales said flatly. “Besides, as a Latino American, I really have no authority to speak about beards. Now if this was a discussion about lizards in scrubby mustaches, shit—I’d be a goddamn Rhodes Scholar.”