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Horoscopes By The Mystical Farood

A semi-regular feature at the National Nitwit

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)-You will meet a mysterious stranger in an elevator. Then you will belch, and the moment will be forever gone.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)-The assistant manager of the Stop-n-Rob where you work makes a pass at you, but you don’t find acne rosea very attractive.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)-While eating Captain Crunch Crunch Berries ®, you taste something salty. You realize that you are chewing on human flesh. Why it would be in your cereal bowl is anyone’s guess.

Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)- As you sit in your efficiency apartment plotting world domination, you realize that you need at least a BA to get hired by the United Nations. You boldly register for that 1000 level Psych course that has been your undoing twice in the past.

Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)-The astrological sign says it all, pal. Go out and live; you’ve only got a couple of months left.

Leo (Jul 23- Aug 22) - You rifle through the medicine cabinet at a party and find an anti-viral shingles medication. ‘What the hell,’ you think, and wash a few down with some beer.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22) – You realize that you have on one beige and one black sock. You play it off smooth, arguing that this is all the rage in Poughkeepsie. No one is buying it, though.

Libra (Sept 23–Oct 22) – On the way to class, you see a sign that says “Stop.” ‘No way,’ you smile. ‘The man is not telling this cat how to live!’

Scorpio (Oct 23–Nov 21) -You re-label your all your Crayons to be politically correct. ‘Yellow’ becomes ‘Asian,’ and ‘Red’ becomes ‘Fucking Communist.’ Hey, we won the Cold War, right? USA! USA!

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21) While surfing for online porno at the library, you realize that some nine-year olds are looking over your shoulder. You tell them to beat it, and then smirk at the witty double entendre you have just created.

Capricorn (Dec 22–Jan 19) – You get on a crowded bus with a Tupperware container labeled ‘body parts.’ You hope someone will say: ‘Are those really body parts?’ whereupon you plan to chuckle and show them it’s only goulash. No one takes the bait, though.

Aquarius (Jan 20–Feb 18) – You decide to volunteer at the homeless shelter downtown. ‘Just a volunteer,’ you cheerily say to the guy at the door. ‘No cot for me!’ you say to no one in particular. You spend the morning helping a man named Mookie fill out car wash applications, and feel good about yourself. Yes sir, this is truly a land of opportunity. brrreeeport krugle

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