National Nitwit

The world's most famous weather prognosticating groundhog was found dead in his burrow at 7:23 a.m. Thursday, apparently the victim of accidental ingestion of the rat poison Warfarin.

"Efforts to revive Phil have been unsuccessful," said Mike Johnston, a member of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club's Inner Circle, the local businessmen responsible for carrying on the tradition. "Herbert McFadden tried to give him mouth-to-mouth, but it was so gross we made him stop. I think he was actually getting into it."

Each February, thousands of people travel to Punxsutawney, a town of about 6,100 people located northeast of Pittsburgh, celebrating what had been a German superstition. Many gasped in horror as the city's mayor carried out the corpse.

"What the hell, man," said Jacob Thulewaite of Marina del Rey, CA. "We traveled 2,500 miles to look at a dead gopher?"

Weather experts are divided in their interpretations of the event. Some believed that the shadow from the dead groundhog suffice to mean another six weeks of winter. Others disagreed.

"Viewing the shadow of a dead body is a sure way to bring a curse upon the land," said Vince Condella, WITI-TV, Milwaukee. "I think that this is a dark omen that portends an era of death and destruction, or at least eight weeks of some really nasty weather."