National Nitwit

Left: South Dakota's vision of the future for women

(Pierre, SD) Moments after the South Dakota Legislature approved a ban on nearly all abortions in South Dakota, lawmakers indicated that they are prepared to return women "to a more pure era" by outlawing women's suffrage and the right to own property.

"I think the stars are aligned," said House Speaker Matthew Michels, a Republican. "Simply put, now is the time to get women to return to a life of being barefoot, pregnant, and always ready with my next beer."

Left: SD House Speaker Matthew Michels (R)

Michels said that a woman's place is not just in the kitchen.

"A woman should be allowed in the bedroom, the bathroom, and out to the barn, but that's about it," he said, scratching his testicles. "When they stray too far from the house, women get a lot of crazy ideas. It's better to nip that shit in the bud."

One of the hidden advantages to the elimination of women's rights, according to Michels, is domestic harmony.

"When a woman knows where she stands, she is a lot more at peace with the world," he said, belching across the legislative chambers. "Hey - What do you do when the dishwasher quits working? Give up? Smack her across the face! Get it? That one's hilarious - you wanna hear some more?" brrreeeport krugle