National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Left: Cooter Reveals the Horny Holocaust Victim Within

(Toledo, OH)—Local actress Trish Cooter, star of such adult films as Whore Buffet and Fingerblastin’, recently accepted the title role in an upcoming pornographic biography of Holocaust diarist Anne Frank, despite the fervent protests of local churches and religious organizations.

Minotaur Pictures’ Magic in the Attic is slated for production later this month, and will feature a set in the historic West End to recreate the ambiance of 1940s Nazi Poland. Though the film has a meager $9,000 budget, producers hope it will have blockbuster appeal for its scintillating action, captivating dialogue, and ethnically diverse cast.

Director and screenwriter Shawn Biggs claims that the film will be an accurate and moving portrayal of a young girl caught in the harrowing brutality of war.

“What the religious community fails to realize,” Biggs scorned, “is that this story has been abused, warped, and thoroughly cheapened by Hollywood sleazeballs for decades. 1949’s Hidden Away had a fucking eunuch play Anne, and 1968’s psychedelic musical Jew Love was downright abysmal. We’re bringing integrity, and a bit of lust, back to this narrative.”

But few Toledans share Biggs’ view. Father James Patterson of St. Mary’s Parish called Minotaur Pictures “a heretical affront to all that is pure in this world,” and vowed to lead the local Catholic opposition by staging sit-ins and other forms of nonviolent demonstration outside the production zone.

Rabbi Eli Schwartz, an Ann Arbor activist well known for his crusades against adult entertainment, also lamented what he called “a racist venture” worthy of “apoplectic rage” among the Jewish community.

“Is this what Americans what to watch these days?,” Schwartz sadly wondered, “all this schtupping and shvitzing and meshugge business? I’ll tell you this: in a culture of schmuck jokes and dirtiness, only our ancient traditions can save us.”