National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Boston, MA)—Just hours after the Pittsburgh Steelers won a decisive victory in Superbowl XL, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady announced that he would take a job as a contractual drywall worker until late summer.

Brady, who made a brief appearance during the Superbowl coin toss wearing a stylish velvet jacket, seemed confident in his decision.

“I regret that the Patriots could not compete in this landmark game,” Brady revealed before a small audience of lingering journalists as fans trailed from Ford Field. “That is why I have decided to work freelance construction gigs until the coaching staff needs me back on the turf.”

The former Super Bowl MVP said that he has learned from the best.

"I was watching these wops slap that shit around in my rec room last year, and I just jumped right in with them," he said. "Since then I've drywalled my garage, the doghouse, and the little shed I keep the garbage cans in. I'm a natural!"

Brady was confident his hammer and trowel would improve many homes in the Boston metropolitan area in coming weeks.

“The media loves to portray me as some sort of pretty boy,” Brady quipped. “But I can work like a Chinaman on a Colorado railroad. You know the Stewarts on Vine Street? I’m about to run a clinic on their unfinished basement—just you watch.”