By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor
(Washington, DC)—Many Americans in the 1980s were shocked to learn that most U.S. dollar bills contained trace amounts of cocaine as a result of “Me Generation” excess.
Now, twenty years later, a similar study has shown that most of the nation’s hundred dollar bills contain small but discernable quantities of a substance known as Exploitation, mostly from America’s minorities and working poor.
“This is a major breakthrough in the field of currency analysis,” said Dr. Timothy Baxter, a leading analyst at Johns Hopkins University. “Originally, our team was working on ways to insert tiny microchips in U.S. bills to monitor every financial transaction made by Americans, but when we discovered the Exploitation, our team was sent in a whole new direction. Frankly, we thought this stuff went extinct in 1865. It’s a rare find.”
Not all scholars agree with Baxter’s assessment, however, and the debate is gaining considerable momentum on Capitol Hill, where both parties are scrambling to conduct their own studies to possibly refute these findings.
“This whole dialogue is based on one study, and I think publications—even reputable ones [such as the National Nitwit], are jumping the gun here,” explained Jim Wilson, spokesperson of the bi-partisan think-tank Fuck Working People (FWP). “Until more research is conducted, that Exploitation is an unknown variable, nothing more. For all we know, it could Debasement, or Injustice, or Greed particles that have mingled with Corruption molecules.”
Wilson added with a tone of assurance: “I suggest concerned citizens continue with their lives as if nothing has happened, and let special interest groups and the federal process take care of this. We’re almost done with the Katrina quagmire, so we should be able to knock this baby out by Thursday.”