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Apple Files Patent for Sound

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(New York)—Apple Computer, Inc. registered a patent earlier this morning in an attempt to gain exclusive rights to all intelligible occurrences of sound, thus tightening their stranglehold on American cognition.

This comes after the publication of some impressive fiscal earnings, which reveal that the iPod has generated over $2.8 billion in profits during the past ten quarters.

“We are quite proud of our product’s growth and marketability,” remarked senior spokesperson Tamara Jacobs. “It is our hope that within the next year, all your sound will belong to us.”

Not surprisingly, defenders of the iPod seemed unfazed by Apple’s bold bid for ownership.

“I feel incomplete without my ear buds,” stated 17-year-old Kurt Shilling, a senior at PS 241 in downtown Manhattan. “If Apple patented sound, I would never have to listen to my parents bitch about shirt laundry ever again. Besides, who needs words when you can listen to twelve different remixes of Kanye’s ‘Gold Digger’?” Mary Winkler

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