National Nitwit

(Washington, DC)—In a clear attempt to bolster approval ratings and inspire his core constituency, President Bush announced on Tuesday that Chief of Staff Andrew Card would resign almost immediately, and publicly offered the position to esteemed pundit and political consultant Billy Pilgrim.

Many considered Bush’s statement a bold move, since Pilgrim is a recovering alcoholic and still under investigation for involvement in an Asian pornography scandal.

It is clear, however, that Bush’s nomination is an attempt to reinvigorate his sagging second term, and bring new blood to his inner circle of advisors.

“Billy and I go way back, and his list of credentials is nothing short of stellar,” Bush remarked before a massive gathering of press representatives on the White House lawn yesterday morning. “He has learned the difficult lessons of addiction, and his strong American values and lengthy career in journalism with serve this office well. Plus, we could swap stories about Japanese whoring over lunch.”

Pilgrim has yet to accept or decline the offer, but gave an exclusive interview to his colleagues at the National Nitwit.

“I am greatly honored by this opportunity, and will discuss my candidacy with the President later this evening,” Pilgrim stated. “Plus, I have a few student loans left from my one semester at Berkley in ‘75, so executive immunity would be pretty sweet right now.” Andrew+Card