National Nitwit

(Washington, DC) After nearly a decade of abuse cases involving its priests, the Catholic Church finds itself once again at the center of another rash of abuse claims.

This time, however, the alleged perpetrators are nuns.

National Nitiwit reporters have been interviewing purported victims in an effort to document the extent of the abuse.

"I was in third grade - I remember it like it was yesterday - and Sister Margaret told me I looked like a 'frumpy harlot' because I wore makeup one day," replied a teary Jennifer Cosgriff, of Ft. Lauderdale. "She took red cake icing and painted circles on my cheeks in front of the class - I was mortified, and to this day I can't put on a little rouge without thinking of that mean woman."

One victim told of a pattern of "merciless shaming" that left an entire class remorseful.

"Someone taped a few of the piano keys together and the nun was really mad when the piano made this funny noise when she played it," shuddered Karl Bergen of Brooklyn. "I'll never forget what she said: 'God is watching you vile little heathens, and He will get His vengeance on ye!' That shit still keeps me up at night."

Some of the alleged abuse took on bizarre forms.

"When I was in sixth grade at St. Michael's I got caught chewing gum, and Sister Angeline totally freaked out," recalled "Kevin," who declined to use his real name. "The nutjob made me put a chewed piece of gum on my nose and wear it until lunchtime. Man, that was some flat-out nasty business, pal."

Officials from the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) declined requests for an interview, but one reporter was told that "God is very outraged at you, young lady, and you'd better get right with your Maker."

The traumatized National Nitwit writer is currently under the care of a team of mental health professionals, and her condition is reported as "stable."