National Nitwit

A Guest editorial by The Alpha and Omega; transcribed from a vision given to Billy Pilgrim

(San Quentin, TX)—Jim and Barbara, I know you have been struggling for the past three years, and have dedicated every fiber of your being to have a child of your own.

But as your Creator, I’m telling you to stop. Throw in the towel. After $35,000 wasted on fertilization procedures and endless rutting, you need to cut your losses. The world is full, and I’m not giving you a baby.

Back in the Dark Ages, all I needed to do is whip up a plague, and boom: a million peasants gone. But now, there are amazing new drugs for influenza and tuberculosis, so even lepers are living longer, happier lives. I just read an issue of Newsweek while I was sitting in the can, and found out they cured polio back in ‘53. Go figure - hey, thanks for the update, Seraphim!

By the way, thank ME for the car bomb, guys — it’s on the front lines of overpopulation, taking one soul at a time.

I didn’t plan for it to get this bad. Shit, I only started with two humans, and look where we are. They also gave retarded names to all of the animals I made. You know the cheetah? I planned to call that baby Superpussy. But I digress.

Consider adoption. Visit sick children in a hospital. Take flowers to the elderly, and feed pigeons in the park. There are plenty of people who need love and kindness, so stop fretting over your reproductive failure. There are more important things in life than Jim’s sad, broken sperm, swimming upstream against the tsunami of futility.