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Moscow Spies Told Sadaam He Was Gonna Get His Ass Kicked

(Washington, DC) Moscow had informants inside the US Central Command, and they provided information on the March 2003 invasion of Iraq to dictator Saddam Hussein days before American troops ousted him from power, according to a Defense Department document released yesterday.

A transcript of the conversations between the Russian operatives and Hussein was obtained by National Nitwit.

"Face it, Sadaam - the US plan is to kick your ass in every way possible, and reduce your palaces to piles of smoking rubble," reported Ivan Margelov to the Iraqi dictator. "The Americans' strategy is to totally smoke every division in your army, and swat every MiG fighter you have to the ground like they were drunken horse flies."

Margelov allegedly told top Iraqi officials other important details of the coalition gameplan.

"They are gonna drop a shitload of bombs on every square inch of your security, military, and command facilities," reads a transcription of the comments of Margelov. "Many of these explosives will produce immense devastation and certain death to an Iraqi unlucky enough to be caught in these places."

The report also transcribes a seized memorandum from Iraqi's Foreign Ministry.

"Hey, people - I'm pretty sure we will not have an office once the bombing starts, so you might want to head home and stock up on water, toilet paper, and canned foods," wrote ministry administrator Farid Sahhaf. "Also, if you are Ba'ath Party members, please consider that you will soon find yourself screwed in about a million ways. I hear Syria is nice this time of year." Charlie Sheen

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