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Pet Pig Tired Of Being Anthropomorphized, Speaks Out

By Banfu T. Burnside, National Nitwit Contributing Editor

(York, PA) Squattington Q. Pig made known his distain for all things human last Wednesday, according to his owner and "Mommy," Jeannie Darlin. Squattington is a three year old domestic swine that has been "raised from a piglet and spoiled rotten" by the Darlin family.

After returning home last Wednesday to remove Squattington from his playpen during her lunch hour, Jeannie found that he was less than enthused with his accommodations.

"He told me that he was sick of being made to act like a human," she explained. "He made me take off his cute little corduroy britches, and set him out in the yard where he could root for grubs!"

The assertion did not go uncontested; however Squattington's keen observations and knack for debate eventually prevailed.

"I kept reminding him what a great life we'd given him, but he finally made it clear that he is in fact, a pig, and therefore incapable of human cognition or emotion," she said. "He also told me that turning a pig into a child will do nothing to repair my barren womb, and will not appropriately fill the void in our family life."

Darlin then added, "He's such a wise pig, I mean, for his age."

Squattington seems to be adjusting quickly to his bestial existence, and has all but ceased conversation with the Darlins, offering only an occasional "Four legs good, two legs bad."

"Whatever that means," concluded Mrs. Darlin. Paris Hilton

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