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3/04/2006

Pilgrim Offers Competitive Bid To End Port Debate


(Washington, D.C.) In a stunning show of political maneuvering, National Nitwit Rogue Editor Billy Pilgrim has made a handsome offer to purchase several U.S. ports, and thus end weeks of contentious debate concerning the proposed Dubai takeover.

“I believe the President has done his best to ensure the American people that the safety of our ports is a top priority,” Pilgrim asserted to some loitering fifth graders at PS 265 in downtown Washington. “I realize you gentlemen would like to continue your bout of dodge ball, so I’ll keep this brief: I am prepared to offer the administration my life savings of $379, a freshly washed bag of baby carrots, and my favorite pair of tube socks.”

Bystanders appeared impressed by the sincerity of the offer.

“Sounds good to me,” remarked student Timmy Bolton as he munched on one of their aforementioned carrots. “I wear itchy socks. My mom makes me. Mr. Billy’s look comfy. I think the President should take the trade.”

The administration, however, has yet to comment on the new bid, and seems willing to weigh popular sentiment before making their stance public.

“We have no comment on Mr. Pilgrim’s proposition, but please know the President appreciates the gesture, and is weighing his options quite studiously,” stated White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan.

McClellan paused before adding: “Isn’t Billy still under investigation for his role in that Asian pornography scandal back in ’99? I think there are still pictures of him on the internet giving that poor woman a Dirty Sanchez.”

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