National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Washington, DC) After a year-long investigation, the Department of Homeland Security announced today that it has insurmountable evidence proving that the Red Cross is, in fact, an elaborate ruse perpetrated by an international group of terrorist vampires.

This strongly violates the widespread perception that the Red Cross is a humanitarian agency, which provides sustenance to the most needy and poverty-ridden corners of the nation.

“We’ve been sending our blood to demons of the night,” stated Homeland Security czar Michael Chertoff in his usual stoic fashion. “They have drained our nation of its most precious resource, as long as you don’t count SUVs or fake tits. Or liberty — we got the corner market on that shit.”

A spokesperson for the vampires took issue with Chertoff’s “baseless accusations,” however, and voiced concern that the federal government is preempting the judicial process.

“Clara Barton was a shining beacon of vampire goodwill, and a century later, we are still dutifully saving lives,” boasted Thorn Hadrigal, Executive Director of the Red Cross’s Nursing Division. “So what if we skim a few thousand pints here and there? Have you every tasted this stuff? It’s goddamn delicious.”