National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Left: Hillary Clinton - big Denver fan

(Washington, DC)—New York senator Hillary Clinton was outraged late yesterday evening when a shrewd fundraising infomercial interrupted a two-hour special on eco-songwriter John Denver.

“I had just sat down with three fingers of Johnnie Walker when I heard his unmistakable voice,” said Clinton between drags off a Marlboro Light. “I watched for 23 minutes in rapt attention before the unthinkable happened—those fuckers shifted into telethon mode.”

According to congressional aids, Denver has been Senator Clinton’s favorite folk artist since the early 1970s, and she has remained fiercely defensive of his legacy throughout the past three decades.


Left: John Denver, mountain man and pilot

And while Clinton’s liberal rhetoric has always supported public television, those who know her intimately say her allegiance to Denver borders on fanaticism.

“Dude, no joke—Hillary totally flips out if you poke fun at the guy,” revealed Nils Crawford, a recent graduate from Brown University and Senator Clinton’s third personal assistant. “One day I noted the irony between ‘Leaving on a Jet Plane’ and his 1997 crash into the Pacific, and she beat me with her own shoe. I still have the scar where her heel punctured my cheek.”