National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Pierre, SD)—In a move that is sure to jostle the Supreme Court, South Dakota became the first state to ban abortion on Monday evening, as Governor Michael Rounds signed the bill into law.

However, what is most surprising is the state’s impetus behind this drastic measure, which directly rebukes the landmark 1973 case Roe v. Wade.

"Folks, this is not a religious, or even a moral issue," Gov. Rounds revealed during a tense, heavily attended press conference. "This is simply an issue of numbers. Do you have any idea how tough it is to hold a Little League tourney here [in South Dakota]? There’s only three teams in the whole state, and one of them has a Cheyenne midget playing shortstop. I think his name is Mickey. The point is, we need babies, fast."

Many liberal activist groups have vehemently opposed South Dakota’s "myopic" decision, however, and are eager to wage a protracted legal battle in the courts.

"South Dakota is a frozen tundra," said Margaret Foster, spokesperson for Pro-Choice International. "Which is worse: the merciful destruction of an unwanted fetus, or the onset of pneumonia during the 7th inning stretch? Perhaps the Governor needs to see the ballparks of his state littered with tiny corpses before he appreciates a woman’s right to choose."