(Baghdad) A would-be suicide bomber was "highly agitated" at the failure of his explosive vest to detonate outside a US military installation today.
Khaled al-Shamari, 27, spoke to National Nitwit reporters outside his Baghdad home.
"I spent a lot of money for this useless piece of shit," he said, holding up the defective device. "Now I am not only stuck with bad merchandise, but I am out all that money. I was expecting to be on my way to the perpetual fruits of Paradise in Firdaws, but now I have to eat tree bark until I scrape up enough money to buy another vest."
Al-Shamari blames the American occupation of Iraq for the "decline in workmanship" often found in the products of local merchants.
"Listen - three years ago I could find top-quality explosives on the black market from dependable manufacturers," he said, shaking his head. "These days, with American-style capitalism, the market stalls are filled with charlatans and hucksters. The bastard I bought this garbage from is gone with my money."
The last hope he has, said Al-Shamari, is his brother-in-law.
"My wife's brother Jalal is pretty handy with car repairs and electrical work, so I am going to take it to his place," he said. "Of course, the way things are going, the damned thing will probably go off on Jalal, and then I'll be stuck raising his seven children. As they say: 'When you pull the pin, Mr. Grenade is no longer your friend.'"