National Nitwit

Left: Absospring's "artesian well"

(Columbus,OH) In a meeting with National Nitwit reporters in an area pub, amid much drinking and frivolity, a corporate rep for the bottled water firm Absospring admitted that the company does not really have access to an undergraound spring.

"We bottle most of the stuff in my basement," said Jerry Baker, vice-president of distribution for Absospring. "It keeps my kids busy, and gives them a way to earn a little extra money. Let me tell you - there's nothing like a home-based business to keep the little bastards occupied."

Baker said the firm used to subcontract the manufacturing to a Kentucky bottler, but found that in-house production was much more profitable.

"They used to charge us $.37 for a 20-ounce bottle, and we have cut the production cost to $.08 now," he said. "That number drops even lower when my kids pilfer Aquafina bottles out of the local recycling bins."

Baker does not believe that his firm's advertising is deceptive.

"Originally, all water comes from a stream or a glacial lake or some shit like that," he said. "Besides - they never tell you about all the deer and bears taking a piss in the "pristine" places the other guys get their water from, do they?" South Park