National Nitwit

Left: Duke lacrosse player giving his opponent a piece of stiff wood

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Durham, NC)—After two weeks of frenzy and speculation, a prime suspect in the Duke lacrosse rape scandal has finally made a confession to the police in an effort to clear both his teammates and the university of any wrongdoing.

However, it is apparent that Reade Seligmann, a 20-year-old sophomore, has yet to realize the magnitude of his actions, and the legal repercussions of his indiscretion.

“I swear I only fucked that chick twice,” revealed a cocky Seligmann in an exclusive interview with the Codependent Collegian. “I was a perfect gentleman, too—I blew both loads on her belly, and even bought her a cheeseburger afterwards.”

Seligmann also remained adamant that the intercourse was, in fact, consensual, and that alcohol was present during the evening’s festivities.

“That bitch was drunker than a plumber at a Panthers game,” Seligmann boasted. “I could tell she loved every minute of it, too—she even started to cry and thrash during her orgasm. If that doesn’t spell consensual, tell me what does.” Dahab