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4/11/2006

Enriched Uranium Cereals Among Iranian Goals

Left: Drunken artist's rendition of new Yellowcake Crunch

(Tehran) Iran dismissed calls that the country cease its nuclear research and vowed on Sunday to resume industrial-scale atomic fuel production even if the UN nuclear watchdog shifts Iran's case to the UN Security Council.

Iran successfully enriched uranium for the first time at the Natanz plant, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced Tuesday on state television.

In addition, Iranian officials uveiled a plan to begin production of new uranium-enriched cereals.

"If the file is referred to the Security Council, then we will begin industrial-scale enrichment”, said Ali Larijani, secretary general of Iran’s Supreme National Security Council. "We will also roll out our enriched cereal line, beginning with tasty Glowing Grahams."

Larijani said the cereals will fill two Iranian needs.

"First, this will assure a wide dispersal of the country's uranium stocks, making difficult any efforts by the agents of Satan to sieze our supplies," he said. "Secondly, we will create millions of walking dirty bomb-zombies that we can export to any country that screws with us."

The secretary-general also discussed some possible future entries in the enriched uranium cereal line.

"Some of the types we have tested include Frosted Radio-Wheats, Yellowcake Crunch, and Plutonium Puffs," he said. "But my favorite has got to be Honey Neutron O's - the uranium keeps them crunchy in milk for 300,000 years."

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