.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

4/22/2006

Infant Sacrifice: New Payment for Higher Octane


By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Washington, DC)—While the price of consumer gas hit the $3 mark this morning in the nation’s capital, it appears the quenchless demand for oil has rendered premium octane only available through the ritualistic sacrifice of human infants at the pump.

And amazingly, many Americans don’t seem to mind the prospect of murdering their offspring in order to preserve their gas-guzzling way of life.

“I’ve been charging my fill-ups for months,” remarked Joel Fischer, a D.C.-area media consultant. “But this morning, all I had to do was bash my 9-month old daughter Veronica against the Speedpass thingy. If you hurry, you might see her cerebellum before they hose it into the grass.”

Some critics of the Bush Administration were not so eager to accept this insatiable rise in cost, however.

“Our country is in a dark time, with incompetent leadership and a dire loss of unity,” lamented Green Party activist Richard Webster. “The only way to wean our nation from this rampant oil addiction is to smoke some Panama Red and see Tom Petty in concert.”

# posted by Subcomandante Bob : 6:21 AM
Comments:
Looks like a young Gilbert Gottfreid.
# posted by Blogger Hooda Thunkit (Dave Zawodny) : 10:45 PM
 
Post a Comment



<< Home
Copyright 2007, National Nitwit ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. National Nitwit ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of National Nitwit ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. National Nitwit® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?