By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor
(Washington, DC)—While the price of consumer gas hit the $3 mark this morning in the nation’s capital, it appears the quenchless demand for oil has rendered premium octane only available through the ritualistic sacrifice of human infants at the pump.
And amazingly, many Americans don’t seem to mind the prospect of murdering their offspring in order to preserve their gas-guzzling way of life.
“I’ve been charging my fill-ups for months,” remarked Joel Fischer, a D.C.-area media consultant. “But this morning, all I had to do was bash my 9-month old daughter Veronica against the Speedpass thingy. If you hurry, you might see her cerebellum before they hose it into the grass.”
Some critics of the Bush Administration were not so eager to accept this insatiable rise in cost, however.
“Our country is in a dark time, with incompetent leadership and a dire loss of unity,” lamented Green Party activist Richard Webster. “The only way to wean our nation from this rampant oil addiction is to smoke some Panama Red and see Tom Petty in concert.”