National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Washington, DC)—After months of verbal assaults from the press and members of both reigning political parties, White House spokesperson Scott McClellan announced his resignation yesterday as the resident cock-sucker for President Bush and his administration.

McClellan, who took over the position from the eloquent and sure-footed Ari Fleischer in July 2003, has fought an uphill battle to please the president’s trouser-snake, especially in the face of declining poll numbers and dwindling support for the War on Terror.

“It is with great honor and humility that I remove your erect wang from my mouth, Mr. President,” a tearful McClellan said yesterday at an early morning press conference. “I have had your Johnson gag my throat for three years, and truly believe the nation is all the better for it.”

Many critics have derided McClellan for his slow, plodding responses, and his inability to betray any glimmer of personality in his public briefings.

His supporters, however, feel he adequately served the country in a time of mounting crisis and diplomatic uncertainty.

“That boy knows how to blow, and his loss is certainly a detriment,” remarked a somber Tom DeLay, former Texas congressman. “I hope the president finds a suitable replacement to spit his salty cum-shot of lies in the face of the American people.” Andrew+Card