National Nitwit

Left: Thar be ninjas

By Banfu T. Burnside, National Nitwit Contributing Editor

Murderous pirate and scourge of the Somali Coast, Clive Horngrave, survived a brutal ninja sneak-attack on Thursday night. The ninjas, who seemingly appeared from nowhere, peppered Horngrave with poison darts and gratuitously displayed their proficiency with bladed weapons.

Horngrave, still groggy from the effects of the poison, described the scene.

"I had pulled night watch duty, and was walking down the starboard side, when a cloud of purple smoke appeared behind the main mast," he said, but before he could raise an alarm, the intruders were upon him. "There must have been five of the sneaky devils; three of them doing backflips, while a couple more swung down from the rigging."

Horngrave bravely drew his cutlass and engaged the nearest ninja.

"I was behind him, and thought I'd catch him unawares," he said, "but he must have heard me coming, because he swung around and kicked me square in the jaw."

When the sailor regained his feet, he was treated to "the most amazin' show a body's ever seen." As Horngrave watched dumbfounded, a ninja displayed an apple which he'd taken from the ship's larder, and then tossed it high into the air.

Left: Horngrave and mate

"That's when these two scalawags behind him started spinnin' their blades," said Horngrave.

As the fruit descended towards the deck, three assassins converged "with blue steel flashin' in the moonlight." The apple landed in six symmetrical pieces, neatly piled at the feet of the attackers.

"I was gonna say somethin' to them, but that's when the darts hit me," Horngrave added.

The apple trick had merely been a diversion, allowing several more ninjas to position themselves behind the awestruck pirate. At its conclusion, they unleashed a hail of darts, all of which found their target.

"I came crashin' down like a tonne of ballast," said Horngrave. "Luckily I stumbled into the ship's bell on the way down." The bell, traditionally used by the Captain to summon all hands, brought the eighteen remaining pirates clamoring onto the field of battle.

Though the ninjas vaporized before the crew arrived, Horngrave's shipmates recognized the telltale signs of a ninja ambush, and provided immediate medical attention. He now appears in good health, and is optimistic about returning to his duties about the ship.

"As soon as I'm well enough, the Captain says I can take my flogging for ringin' his bell, and regain good standing aboard this fine vessel," he said, pointing out that he is the only pirate fortunate enough to witness the "Deadly Apple Maneuver" and live to tell about it. "Course, the apple will be coming out of my rations, but it's a small price to pay." Rush+Limbaugh