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4/09/2006

Vet Suspects Entire Mall is Run by Commies

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(San Diego, CA) Chet “Tarbaby” Lucas, a decorated Vietnam veteran, believes his local mall is overpopulated by a covert group of communists who are constantly attempting to assassinate him.

And while Lucas suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and lives in the basement of his 78 year-old mother Petunia, he swears that his claim is credible.

“These fucking gook bastards are out to get me, just like they got Wilson back in ’68,” asserted a visibly shaken Lucas. “Shot like a dog. If I wasn’t afraid of Big Brother, I’d wear my old fatigues every time I walked through the food court.”

Lucas cites the increasing number of Asian and “goth” employees—particularly at high-impact kiosks—as his main source of evidence.

“If another slant tries to sell my mom a bath pillow, I’m gonna stab ‘em in the gut,” remarked Lucas. “I didn’t fight a war halfway around the world to have these yellow devils making silk-screen t-shirts three blocks from my goddamn house.” Mary Winkler

Comments:
Q: How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb?

A: YOU WEREN'T FUCKING THERE, MAN!!! YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY KNOW!!!
 
Chet,

I zenze zome underlying hoztility here.


Lie down on zee couch here and tell me zome more about your mother. . .

You zaid that her name waz petunia, no???
 
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