National Nitwit

Left: Author Dan Brown, hard at work

(New York) Dan Brown, whose novel The Da Vinci Code spawned a lawsuit, a blockbuster movie, and a boycott by Catholics, revealed to National Nitwit reporters that he is working on a sequel to the best-selling book.

Tentatively entitled Peter the Butch, the novel details the coverup behind a purported love affair between Saint Peter and Saint John.

Brown detailed some of the evidence he is using to support his hypothesis.

"First off, look at the very phallic name - 'Peter,' which needs no further explanation," he said. "Why would Jesus give him such a name unless it represented some facet of his personality, such as that he was a fudge-packing homo?"

Brown next turned to the incident at the Lake of Gennesaret, where Jesus first met the apostle.

"Christ said: 'Follow me, and I will make you 'fishers of men,' which is obviously some sort of shorthand for 'cruising the Judean gay bars,'" he said. "And the whole deal with being denied before the cock crows? I'm not quite sure about the "crowing" part, but the cock reference is a dead givewaway to Peter's secret life."

The author acknowledged that many Christians will likely resist his interpretations.

"Being gay is something some Christians really struggle with, and they will be angry when they read that "The Rock" is really a reference to Peter's legendary shaft," said Brown. "But why else would Peter only hang around with eleven other dudes, and get so bitchy with a hottie like Mary Magdalene? The guy simply liked hairy, tight male butts. Is that so wrong?" Day 24