National Nitwit

Left: Georgetown University Hospital

(Washington, DC) Due to a recent spike in addiction among members of the Kennedy family, Georgetown University Hospital will break ground on a new Kennedy Rehab facility to handle the volume of intakes.

Dr. M. Joy Drass, president and CEO of Georgetown University Hospital, said that the move makes sound financial sense.

"Kennedy family insurers will appreciate the consolidation of services into one facility, as well as the economy of scale that goes along with such consolidation," she said. "Plus, the trust fund is about dry, and none of these bastards is ever going to pay any charges not picked up by the insurers. This will allow us to write off Kennedy debts without necessarily incurring the costs that we used see when they came one at a time."

Kennedy family spokesman Brian O'Connor applauded the move.

"With so many Kennedys in rehab, holidays can be a real bitch," he said. "This way The Kennedys can have family get-togethers in the new wing, and the 8-10 Kennedys in rehab at any given time won't have to miss out. Hey - these cats are born to party."

Left: "The line was this big, dude!"

Rep. Patrick Kennedy, who just announced his latest trip to rehab, also praised the hospital's foresight and innovation.

"I am due to get out in 90 days, just when they plan to have the new wing open for business," he said, wiping a trace of white powder from his nose. "That means they will be ready when I take my next narcotic nosedive. It's good to know that Georgetown will be there for me when I fuck up again. I only wish Michael and David Kennedy could be here to get help, or to at least score some cheap Demerol. Man, that shit is the fa-zizzle!"