National Nitwit

Editorial by your Grandma Edna

I've been telling you kids for years to button up those jackets, wear your hats and mittens, but no - you couldn't listen to an old wind-bag like me.

Now that the bird flu is coming, are you going to listen this time? Probably not, but I'm going to tell you anyways, because I'm too old to be caring for a dozen relatives sick with bird flu.

Plus, you will all want to watch that those music channels when my shows are on, and I am not going to watch a bunch of sexed-up harlots bumping and grinding on my TV, staring back at me and tempting me to undress in front of your grandfather.

His heart can't take it, and my knees are in bad shape.

1. First off - don't pick up dead animals. I know you kids - especially the boys - have a morbid fascination with dead things, but there's a reason they are dead, so LEAVE THEM ALONE.

2. Next - always wear a scarf, even in summertime. Germs always go for the throat, and if you protect your throat, 99% of germs give up and go over to the neighbor's house.

3. Don't go over to the neighbor's house.

4. Stop swallowing your chewing gum - it takes seven years for a piece of that junk to go throuh your bowels. Mrs. Sanders had a kid who had to get an operation to remove a big wad of that stuff from his gut.

5. Finally - if you do get sick, bury a chicken's foot in the garden. This has worked for me many, many times, like when your mom had the measles. Make sure you get it from the butcher, and wash it with warm, soapy water first.

If you listen to your Grandma once in a while, you might just learn something. Now go wash your hands after petting that filthy dog.American Idol Macbook Da Vinci Code Barabaro Bernadini avian flu H5N1