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Sago Blast Probe Focuses on Cigar, Flatulence

(Buckhannon, WV) A lit cigar near the mouth of the Sago Mine probably ignited flatulence-related methane gas and caused the explosion that killed 12 miners, a consultant hired by the mine owner said Wednesday.

"We all want to blame the big corporations, but let's face it - the diets of these miners generated massive quantities of methane," said Thomas Novak, a Virginia Tech mining professor hired by International Coal Group Inc. to investigate the blast. "These fellers were living on borrowed time due to their love of Bush's Baked Beans."

Once inside, the flame traveled along a steel conveyor belt hanging from a metal mesh roof support, stopping just feet away from the sealed-off section where the blast occurred.

"These brave men - God rest their souls - never knew what hit them," said Novak. "Their own intestinal gas negated any intestinal fortitude these poor miners had."

Though some families of the fallen miners see ICG's theory as plausible, many have questioned it.

"I just don't know; I mean I know Jack could rip some wicked wind, but enough to kill himself?" asked Jerry Percival, a relative of a fallen miner. "Ole Jack could create some ripe rectal reflexes, but I have trouble buying this theory." Stephen COlbert

Not to make light of this, but if flatulence were indeed the cause, shouldn't the rescue workers have found at least one "crispy" asshole in the resultant mess???
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