National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Hollywood, CA)—With the whole country still reeling from the underdog victory of vocalist Taylor Hicks on the 5th season finale of American Idol last night, host Ryan Seacrest took the opportunity to announce that he will replace Satan as the supreme evil force in the universe as of 2012.

Seacrest, 32, has achieved monumental success in the television industry, and his accolades include his very own talk show, a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and guest spots on Larry King Live and Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve.

It is no surprise, then, given his resume, that Seacrest was destined for a career in cosmic destruction.

“I don’t cackle like I used to, and I can’t do that whippy thing with my tail anymore,” remarked the Dark Prince Lucifer in an exclusive phone interview with the National Nitiwit. “I took one look at Seacrest and knew he was my guy—any man who cares that much about his own facial hair is a worthy replacement.”

Seacrest, according to Satan, has all the tools for success in his new role as commander of Hell.

"He has charm, he has charisma, and he really enjoys inflicting pain on others," he said. "Plus, I hear he likes to get jiggy with men as well as women, which is most definitely a requirement here in the underworld. When we get people like Pat Robertson down here - let's see, 2009 he's scheduled to arrive - we have to treat them to 10,000 years of rough man sex."

And while most would be intimidated by a promotion of such spiritual enormity, Seacrest seems to be taking it all in stride.

“Billy, did you know that more people voted last night for my show than for any president in U.S. history?” Seacrest casually remarked while swirling his finger on the rim of a brandy snifter. He paused a moment before adding: “If you give me $5, I’ll tell you what drugs Paula Abdul takes before each taping.” American Idol Macbook Da Vinci Code Barabaro Bernadini avian flu H5N1