National Nitwit

Left: The REAL Subcomandante, not that made-up Zapatista crap

(Toledo, OH) Subcomandante Marcos, the Mexican Zapatista rebel leader, has latched on to an ugly clash last week between the police and farmers outside the capital to revive his flagging campaign for a socialist movement that he hopes will topple the government.

News of the Marcos strategy angered Subcomandante Bob, editor of the e-zines Codependent Collegian, Toledo Tales, and National Nitwit.

"This guy has been aping my every move for almost 15 years," said Bob, whose last name is an umpronounceable sound. "It's about time I go down to Chiapas and settle this once and for all."

Subcomandante Bob said that the Marcos character began appropriating his name "around 1993."

"I have been the world's only Subcomandante for well nigh three decades," he said, pausing to wet his whistle from a pint of Stolichnaya. "I'll be damned if some two-bit communist is going to steal my name. Besides, when I hear "Marcos," all I can think about is Imelda and her skanky shoes. What kind of an idiot uses a tainted name like "Marcos," anyway? That would be like me calling myself something sick "Jeffrey Dahmer" or "Harry Potter" or something."

Bob believes that the Marcos character will soon fade back into oblivion.

"If not, I will lead the Mexican peasants myself. We will storm the capitol and demand reforms," he said. "The first thing we will do is kick that moron Sammy Hagar right the fuck out of Cabo San Lucas. We will arrest him and try him for fraud, as he has been pretending to be someone with talent for thirty years. Justice shall be mine!" David Blaine