National Nitwit

Left: Nothing left but ass-shreds

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Baghdad, Iraq)— Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, regarded as the reigning mastermind behind Al-Qaeda’s most brutal acts of international terror since the 9/11 attacks, was blown to fucking bits earlier this morning in a covert air strike on his safe house a few miles north of Baghdad.

Reporters at the scene say Zarqawi was identified by mere scraps of his human remains.

“There were two fingers, a toe, and a big clump of back hair,” revealed a National Nitwit correspondent stationed in Iraq. “Coincidentally, Zarqawi was really known for his back hair. A sad irony was that he used to get drunk on the weekends and take off his shirt to entice local women — a real ‘playa’ when he wasn't busy killing children or beheading civilians.”

President Bush, noting the solemnity of this occasion, offered some pithy remarks during a press conference after Zarqawi’s body was identified.

“In Texas, we call this a ‘yee-haw’ moment,” the President humbly noted. “But the praise here belongs to our brave soldiers overseas, who bravely drop bombs on the earth from their brave jet fighters to destroy this network of evil.”

Mr. Bush confirmed his steadfast commitment to dismantling what remains of Zarqawi’s legacy.

“If we can kill one or two more of these guys, my administration will be back in business,” the President boasted. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a bean burrito and an episode of Entourage awaiting me in the Oval Office.” Ann Coulter World Cup Al Gore Armando