National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(New York)—The Onion, once regarded as the premiere source for satirical news both in print and online, published their 10,000th ‘area man’ article this week, displaying their time-tested ability to recycle jokes that were once funny in the late 1990s.

Walt Chinaski of Wichita, KS, is the lucky subject of the landmark expose, which is entitled ‘Area Man Suffocates Own Child with Deflated Mylar Balloon.’

“I’m a long-time reader of The Onion, so I was thrilled when they chose my story [about brutally murdering my daughter Stacy] for this historic occasion,” Chinaski beamed in an exclusive interview with National Nitwit. “After all, they had thousands of possibilities—‘Area Man Mistakes Feces for Week-Old Cupcake,’ ‘Area Man Exhausted by Timely Ejaculation,’ or 'Area Man Really Terrorist Zarqawi' — I mean, the list goes on and on.”

Editor-in-Chief Scott Dikkers echoed this note of eager anticipation.

“Don’t let the streaming banner ads for BMW and HBO fool you, we’re still indie,” Dikkers confidently remarked. “We’re not afraid to publish hard-hitting stuff, like ‘John Kerry Weeps Silently While Flossing’ or ‘Pope Installs Urinal Near Nightstand.’”

Dikkers paused briefly before adding: “All t-shirts are half-priced for you and your guys, Billy. Don’t be bashful. We got some nice vintage stuff—looks like it’s already been worn.” Ann Coulter Al Gore