National Nitwit

Left: Did you eat a lot of paint chips as kids, or what?

(Sedona, AZ) Surveying wildfires that continue to move across parts of the the Western United States, veteran fire prevention expert Smokey Bear said that he is "fed up" with human ignorance.

"I've been doing this gig for what, 60 years?" he asked, staring at an out-of-control blaze. "Yet you numb-nutted feebs still insist on throwing lit cigarettes out the car window in the fucking forest, along with all the other acts of incredible stupidity you pull."

Smokey said that he is considering giving up his educational work.

"It's obviously not working, since we have four times as many fires in 2006 as 2005," he said. "I think it would be more effective to adopt a behaviorist approach, where I go out and kick the ever-loving shit out of people who do idiotic things like shoot fireworks in a national park on the 4th of July."

Left: Crack pipes do not belong in the woods

Despite the damage that humans have wrought through their incendiary carelessness, Smokey said that he still likes people.

"Oh yeah, man. When they are not pouring a half-gallon of lighter fluid to ignite a hollow log, or parking their overheated SUVs on top of dry brush, humans are pretty cool," he admitted. "But I swear to God I don't understand how parents can think it's funny to watch their kids dance around the forest with packs of matches."

Smokey paused before continuing.

"That's the kind of brainlessness that will only be fixed by a world class ass-whooping," he said.