National Nitwit

(Baghdad, Iraq) Stung by criticism over abuse and massacre allegations by US troops, American military authorities unveiled a new campaign today that aims to help troops more effectively hide wrongdoing.

Called "Operation UnderRug," the program's designers hope to provide soldiers with the tools they need to keep war crimes from becoming national embarassments.

"It's pretty simple - what is buried should stay buried," said Lt. Gen. Peter Chiarelli, the commander of Multinational Corps Iraq. "It's a shame when good soldiers get tangled up in court martial trials and bureaucratic red tape. They need to be in the field of combat blowing shit up and kicking ass."

Part of the new training is a session on improved interviewing techniques, said Chiarelli.

"It's important to punch a person somewhere that bruises don't show, like in the kidneys," he said, demonstrating on a National Nitwit reporter. "There - that hurts like hell, and nobody's the wiser. Get up, you media puke, before I give you another one."

Chiarelli said that the recent revelations about the Haditha massacre forced military officials to develop the new training program.

"Some of this is elementary, though. If you are going to put a bullet in a kid's head, you'd better make sure and stick a pistol in his hand afterwards," he said, shaking his head. "I mean, there's no way a friendly coroner can make a bullet hole look like shrapnel from an IED. Plus, what kind of moron uses his goddamn camera phone in a civilian massacre? We can help cover up any ugly incident, but for Chrissakes, men, use your goddamn brains."American Idol Macbook Da Vinci Code Haditha avian flu bird flu