National Nitwit

(Butte, MT) Self-styled outdoorsman Spencer “Bunny” Cook, back from a six-month wilderness exile, described the back-to-basics life as “highly overrated.”

“Anyone who tries to sell the idea of the wild as a pristine paradise is, frankly, full of shit,” he said, wolfing down his third bowl of veggie stir fry in as many minutes. “I think those return-to-nature authors write that stuff from their Manhattan lofts and never even set foot in the real woods.”

Cook admitted that he feared for his life quite a few times in the remote section of the Rockies he called home.

“Oh yeah – there’s animals out here that can kill you, and that wouldn’t think twice about attacking you and stripping you of every edible strip of flesh,” he said, crossing his legs. “At least back in the city the gay bashers just kick your ass. Running into a pack of wolves definitely means a closed casket.”

Cook, who left for the woods with “a backpack, a tent, a sleeping bag, and zero common sense,” had advice for would-be mountain people.

“First off – don’t. There’s a reason they call it ‘the wild,’ sister, and you will start to hate the woods about nineteen minutes into your ill-planned adventure,” he said, scratching his arm. “But if you must go, stock up on calamine lotion and anti-diarrheal medicine. I don’t want to dwell too much on this, but there’s nothing worse than simultaneous cases of poison ivy and the runs.”

Left: Finally - a bubble bath for Bunny

Cook said that he holed up in a mountain cabin for about half of the expedition.

"I've always believed it's important to sprinkle dusting powder on your sheets to make them fragrant and silky, and that scented sachets of lavender and rosemary also add to the air of romance in a room, " he admitted. "But in that nasty hole all I had to work with were mouse droppings and cobwebs. I could have just died."