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7/17/2006

Allman Brothers Sell Souls to Devil, Do Menopause Commercial

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

The Allmans in their younger, God-fearing days

(Savannah, GA)—The Allman Brothers Band, once regarded as the premiere fusion of jam-rock and Southern sensibilities, bartered their souls to Satan earlier this week when they allowed their timeless classic “Blue Sky” to be used in a menopause commercial.

The promotional clip for KnowMenopause.com is now featured on both network and cable channels, and includes billowy, dramatic clips of mature women enjoying their aged status by gardening, cycling, and gently swaying on porch swings.

“This band still has integrity,” remarked lead singer Gregg Allman as he fingered a wad of $100 bills. “But so many of our contemporaries have lent their songs to corporate America, we figured it was high time we joined the bandwagon. And an eternity in fire is a small price to pay for my new vacation home in the Alps.”

Shockingly, many die-hard fans have supported the decision, which has led to a growing debate in the classic-rock community.

“Hey man, they gots to get paid,” remarked Butch Tyrol, a self-described Allman Brothers expert and ‘hippie burnout’ who now resides in San Francisco. “Those guys only make $15 million per tour, and that doesn’t go very far when you have, like, fourteen illegitimate kids scattered across the country.”

Left: Duane "not happy at all" with decision to sell out

Late guitarist Duane Allman, contacted in Heaven by National Nitwit reporters, expressed "dismay" that his bandmates would succumb to the temptation of "flithy lucre."

"You can tell that man-whore Gregg that - brother or not - he's lucky we're winding up in different places in the afterlife," he said, pausing to glide through an angelic slide solo. "Plus, any band that would fire Dickey Betts has some serious issues, too. In a way, you could almost see this coming."

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