National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Sanchez enjoys ringing up another deceptive sale

(Toledo, OH)—Jamie Sanchez has been the top sales associate at the Circuit City on Monroe Street for three months now, and with good reason: he habitually lies about every product in the store.

Like many in the world of retail, Sanchez lucked into his entry-level sales position because of his connections—his cousin Roger is assistant manager—and therefore has an attitude of blissful indifference to what he views as disposable employment.

“I didn’t even have to interview for this gig, if you can believe it,” Sanchez remarked while munching Doritos during his 30-minute smoke break. “It’s kinda hard to take this shit seriously when they throw you a red shirt before you complete the tax forms.”

Prompted about his recent boost in performance, Sanchez attributed his refined salesmanship to his utter lack of training.

“Man, I don’t know shit about computers,” he revealed. “But if you’re looking at a Compaq, well, hell, 'it’s the best model in the store.' Or this one: 'Don’t know anything about Laserjets, m’am? This one here is the most efficient on the market.' You’d be amazed at how people gobble this shit up like candy.”

Despite the occasional returned product, Sanchez has had little to thwart his newfound success.

“If I can keep this up for a few more weeks, I’m looking at a promotion,” he reflected. “Roger says the car audio department pays more, which would be perfect since I’m deaf in my left ear.”