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Hell to Initiate “Buy Local” Campaign

(Hades) Sagging retail sales in Hell have forced the Prince of Darkness to create a marketing campaign to convince the denizens of the underworld to keep the local economy top of mind in their purchases.

“Quite frankly, merchants in Hell have a tough time making any money,” admitted Satan as he pored over quarterly economic reports. “That whole ‘can’t take it with you’ clause has put quite a dent in disposable income among the damned.”

The tough economic conditions in Hell have fostered the rise of a booming black market for illicit commodities.

“For obvious reasons we frown on water and Gatorade, but the demand for these items is incredible down here,” Satan acknowledged. “If the stuff is making it in, though, I may as well profit from legal sales and keep the money here.”

Satan added that competition from chain stores, many of whom have corporate headquarters with a Hell adress, is also hurting underworld merchants.

"When you go shopping at a Sears or Borders or any other national chain store, much of that dollar you spend leaves Hell's economy," he argued. "It doesn't help to support businesses and job opportunities in Hell, and quite frankly the multinationals ship much of their money right out of Hell as soon as they ring the registers. Except for WalMart, though. I own that company lock, stock, and barrel."

Heh heh.
Being an underused retailer in Hell must be, well..., HELL.

So, I'm guessing that they wouldn't want to be hearing, "It doesn't gat any better than this." would they?

I didn't think so...
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