National Nitwit

Left: Maxwell checks a patient's chart for signs of violence and agression

(New York) Dr. Carolyn Maxwell has worked with many psychotic patients in her 25-year career as a clinical psychiatrist, but she says that few match the "unbridled fury" of hemorrhoid sufferers.

Dr. Maxwell has thus begun to petition the American Psychiatric Association (APA) to include "rhoid rage" as an official psychosis in the next edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).

"Let's face it - the relentless burning, itching, and pain associated with hemorrhoids is enough to make a Buddhist monk climb a clock tower and shoot everyone in sight," she said, unconsciously adjusting her rear end on her seat. "It is an absolute travesty that the psychiatric profession is so reluctant to admit that extreme rectal swelling and inflammation can drive a person to madness."

Maxwell postulated that rhoid rage has been the cause of "untold psychotic episodes" over the course of human existence.

"We know for a fact that Sirhan Sirhan, John Wilkes Booth, and Jeffrey Dahmer were all hemorrhoid sufferers," she said, scratching her buttocks. "We suspect that the Columbine killers, with their homoerotic tendencies, also experienced hemorrhoidal flareups just prior to their violent acts at their high school. Rhoid rage is real, folks."

Left: "ARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!"

Maxwell said that she hopes to "save a few lives" by waking up the mental health profession to the syndrome, which she proposes to call "Hemorrhoidal-Aggressive Mania," or HAM.

"Right now, as we speak, there are hemorrhoid patients about to lose their grip on reality," she said, clenching her fists. "With medication and intervention, there's no need for another hemorrhoidal homicide to ever occur again."