National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Left: Enough with the breasts, already

(Washington, D.C.)—After eight decades on this earth, World War II veteran and Purple Heart recipient Roger Quinn “knows a thing or two about death,” and frankly, he has had enough of breast cancer awareness.

“I know it’s not until October, but the thought of everybody wearing those goddamn pink ribbons for an entire month makes me want to puke blood,” Quinn remarked in an exclusive interview with the National Nitwit. “It’s not cute, and it needs to stop.”

Quinn contends that breast cancer—much like the AIDS pandemic and global warming—are the result of a sensationalized media and a petrified American public that has no concept of “sweat and sacrifice.”

“Billy, did you know that breast cancer, on average, only affects one out of seven American women?” Quinn stated. “And women are only half of the people in this country? That’s a tiny fraction of our population, but sure—let’s forgets all about my buddies who were blown to bits by artillery fire on D-Day and get a cure for that.”

Left: Now THAT's real suffering and pain

Quinn’s grandchildren often disagree with his seemingly misanthropic political views, but are compelled to respect his military service and courage.

“The old bastard hates women—his second wife died in ’93, he never talks to my mother, and ever since I came ‘out,’ he’s referred to me as Chris,” vented a visibly shaken Kristie Quinn, 28. “I want to put him in a home, but he still does a hundred push-ups a day. He’d probably snap my neck if I tried to institutionalize him.”